"I don't think I have to settle right now."
Those are words told to me by my ex-college girlfriend way many years ago when I was pressing her for what she thought of our relationship. As you can imagine, that comment though small said volumes (which is why, among other reasons, she isn't my wife today).
She was a real piece of work. I suppose every man needs to have had someone like her in his life to appreciate the better way things are (should be). But her point with that comment was she felt at that time that committing to me was less than what she wanted out of life. I treated her like gold (all her friends and family told her so), cared very much about her, never said or did anything to hurt her, wanted to be what she wanted me to be (which I know now was a mistake to try to do), etc.
But she wanted promises. Guarantees. Certainty.
She wanted me to promise I would one day very soon(!) be rich. That I would quickly have a high and prestigious upper management/executive job with a 6-figure salary, bonus, perks, 3 weeks off (at least) and only work 9-to-5 five days a week. Even as young and dumb as I was then I knew this was a fantasy. Not that I wouldn't be happy with such a life either but it isn't reality. And if she really meant it she was in for a rude surprise.
As devoted readers of mine here on this blog and my messages on forums well know, I believe you have to take someone at their word when they say they want this or that. Maybe they are expressing more a wish or hope than an actual item list of requirements. But how is one to know? If you ignore what someone says they want to get or want to do and later it turns out to be exactly that way you have no one to blame but yourself. Blindness is a two-way street.
Those are words told to me by my ex-college girlfriend way many years ago when I was pressing her for what she thought of our relationship. As you can imagine, that comment though small said volumes (which is why, among other reasons, she isn't my wife today).
She was a real piece of work. I suppose every man needs to have had someone like her in his life to appreciate the better way things are (should be). But her point with that comment was she felt at that time that committing to me was less than what she wanted out of life. I treated her like gold (all her friends and family told her so), cared very much about her, never said or did anything to hurt her, wanted to be what she wanted me to be (which I know now was a mistake to try to do), etc.
But she wanted promises. Guarantees. Certainty.
She wanted me to promise I would one day very soon(!) be rich. That I would quickly have a high and prestigious upper management/executive job with a 6-figure salary, bonus, perks, 3 weeks off (at least) and only work 9-to-5 five days a week. Even as young and dumb as I was then I knew this was a fantasy. Not that I wouldn't be happy with such a life either but it isn't reality. And if she really meant it she was in for a rude surprise.
As devoted readers of mine here on this blog and my messages on forums well know, I believe you have to take someone at their word when they say they want this or that. Maybe they are expressing more a wish or hope than an actual item list of requirements. But how is one to know? If you ignore what someone says they want to get or want to do and later it turns out to be exactly that way you have no one to blame but yourself. Blindness is a two-way street.
But back to the topic of this article.
What she considered "settling" a more mature person recognizes as reality vs. idealism. Yes, you may want 10 things out of a situation but not all can be absolute 100% must-haves. It's not reasonable or realistic. Some things on that list can be marked as must-have but the more you mark the lesser your chances of finding a situation (or a person) that meets them all. A mature person knows what is absolutely important to them and what is flexible.
She called it settling. I call it being realistic and mature. Then again, she always did think very highly of herself.
There is no right or wrong answer. Each person has to analyze the individual situation and decide at that time what direction to take.
I guess he decision wasn't in my direction. Probably for the better for me too in the longer run.
Ps- So what ever became of her? Funny you should ask that.
According to public records on the net, she graduated grad school (teaching school) a year after we broke up. Soon there after her father died. He was a young man. Didn't say what the cause of death was. He didn't have any serious health issues I knew of but he always was highly stressed.
Could have been a stroke or heart attack. Or accident. Either way, I was very sadden. He and I got along great. When she and I finally broke up he was more upset than she was! (so was I)
Shortly there after she and her mother moved to Florida where her mother's parents live (they are retired). It also appears that her brother and his wife moved down to Florida as well (so much for them all being hard-core Long Island and New York City folk!).
About 2 years after moving down she married a man who seems to be some kind of telecommunications/electronics engineer. Seems very smart, appears to have published several articles in various engineering journals and presented at various technical symposiums.
What she considered "settling" a more mature person recognizes as reality vs. idealism. Yes, you may want 10 things out of a situation but not all can be absolute 100% must-haves. It's not reasonable or realistic. Some things on that list can be marked as must-have but the more you mark the lesser your chances of finding a situation (or a person) that meets them all. A mature person knows what is absolutely important to them and what is flexible.
She called it settling. I call it being realistic and mature. Then again, she always did think very highly of herself.
There is no right or wrong answer. Each person has to analyze the individual situation and decide at that time what direction to take.
I guess he decision wasn't in my direction. Probably for the better for me too in the longer run.
Ps- So what ever became of her? Funny you should ask that.
According to public records on the net, she graduated grad school (teaching school) a year after we broke up. Soon there after her father died. He was a young man. Didn't say what the cause of death was. He didn't have any serious health issues I knew of but he always was highly stressed.
Could have been a stroke or heart attack. Or accident. Either way, I was very sadden. He and I got along great. When she and I finally broke up he was more upset than she was! (so was I)
Shortly there after she and her mother moved to Florida where her mother's parents live (they are retired). It also appears that her brother and his wife moved down to Florida as well (so much for them all being hard-core Long Island and New York City folk!).
About 2 years after moving down she married a man who seems to be some kind of telecommunications/electronics engineer. Seems very smart, appears to have published several articles in various engineering journals and presented at various technical symposiums.
They moved into a house on the mid-Atlantic side of Florida near the coast and had 2 children (I think boys). I don't know what kind of work she is/was doing. Couldn't find any record of her having a Florida teaching license or being listed on any Florida school roster.
10 years later they got divorced!
Looks like it was a very nasty divorce too. I would expect no less from her. Cobra venom is like sugar compared to her. She got the house and custody of the kids as far as I can see. Still fighting with the ex-hubby over visitation.
So as of now she is a mid-40's middle aged divorcee with two pre-teen kids.
I don't normally take pleasure in the demise of someone's relationship and hopes.
Normally.
Funny how she ended up so far from what she always told me she wanted out of life.
Maybe maturity is knowing when to settle?
Funny how she ended up so far from what she always told me she wanted out of life.
Maybe maturity is knowing when to settle?
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